There I was: way out in the desert, the nuclear heat lamp of the sun flattening all that fell under its gaze, miles and miles of trackless desert around me, no hope of another 4x4 happening by to save me—stuck.
Not just rear-wheels-sunk-in-sand stuck. No, that would have been easy: air down, dig out, shove floor mats under the tires, voilà, you're free.
No, this time I was in a slot canyon, my Jeep wedged into a corner of rock, the front wheels still clawing on the uphill rock slope I had thought I could get out of—stuck. I had been trying to surmount the rock ramp up the narrow canyon and for a brief couple seconds I was, but then I started bouncing over to my right again and again, until I had slipped backward and down into the rock corner. The front wheels were up on the rock ramp, the right rear corner was in the 90-degree intersection of two rock walls and the ground under the rear tires was deep sand. No locking diffs. This would take mechanical engineering to extract myself.
I had: one pitiful scissor jack, four Jeep-branded floor mats and some flat rocks. That was all I had with which to coax the Jeep over to the left about 4 feet. So here's what I did: I stacked the flat rocks under the Jeep's tow hitch, inserted the scissor jack, cranked it up as far as it would go, then scrambled up the rock wall, back against the rock, feet on the roof rack, and I pushed the Jeep off its stand to the left.
Stack, jack, push. I got about 5 inches each time, stacking, jacking and pushing the whole thing over. To keep the Jeep from scraping the rock wall, I wrapped a wedge-shaped flat rock in a floor mat and slivered it down between the rock wall and the side of the Jeep.
I kept at it for a few hours until ... freedom! I have never been happier to drive out of a desert wash than I was that day.
Why do I tell you this goofy tale of four-wheel ineptitude? Because these days, there are far too many of us who expect to be rescued, then sue somebody for letting us get into that mess in the first place. Don't be like that. You have a lot more mechanical smarts than you think. You can do it, man! Take that four-wheel-drive SUV you've been using to navigate the pleasant suburbs you call home and go forth and explore. Do it, quick, before frivolous lawsuits mean everything is closed off and shut down. Do it while you can still embrace the freedom of government lands open to us all. It won't last forever. Go!
West Coast Editor MARK VAUGHN can be reached at mark.vaughn@hearst.com or on Twitter and Instagram @MVaughnAW
